It Ain't Over Until It's Over
I was in a relationship with my children's father, on and off, for about fourteen years before I said, "Enough is enough" (SHEESH, that's a long time)!!!
I'll start somewhere in the middle. We had broken up in early 2005, but stayed in contact. One October Friday of the same year I had an eerie feeling, and asked if I could stay at his house. He agreed to let me stay the night. He let me know he wasn't going to be there because he had a party to go to. I let him know I would be gone early the next morning. He stopped by to make sure things were okay. I went to sleep shortly after. I'm not sure how long after, but he tried to wake me up. Being half awake, I told him to go to sleep, but he continued to try to get me up. I thought I was dreaming because there was a man with a gun pointed at me. We were being robbed. That explained the feeling I had earlier that day.
Needless to say, we got back together after that. Two months later I found out I was pregnant. We moved together in April of 2006. I began wondering if getting back together was the right thing. He worked a lot so I was often home alone. I was pregnant, emotional, and began feeling a little insecure in the relationship. We had talked about marriage before, but there were no signs that we were moving forward in that direction.
Fast forward a few months and baby girl was born! While I should have been enjoying being a new mommy, things were shifting between him and I. He worked even more. I began feeling like I was a single parent because I did almost everything with and for her. As a result, he and I would have little disagreements. These disagreements would turn into spats about who was the "better parent" (SO childish 🤦). He felt because he made more financially that that was enough. I would get so irritated when he would say things like that because I worked, paid half of the bills, and took care of her needs. Subconsciously a seed was planted.
During baby's first year I started thinking about the type of home I wanted her to be raised in. I wanted her to be in a home with peace and love. The idea of raising her with both parents in the home wasn't looking good. I was going to end the relationship because I wasn't happy. I didn't like arguing and I was lonely. I remember asking him if he wanted to be a family. He accused me of wanting to be with someone else. That was a sign to go.
As I was preparing to move forward I found out I was pregnant again. Baby boy was born four months after my oldest girl's first birthday. Seventeen months after that I had my last baby girl.
I Can't Believe This is Happening
Yep, I had three babies under three years old. I was thankful I had these wonderful treasures, but I was also very sad. While I was pregnant with my third baby I found out his godson was actually his son.
I was depressed. I was broke. My credit was a mess. I was embarrassed. I felt hopeless.
I did what was necessary for my babies, but I wasn't taking care of myself. My diet consisted mainly of chocolate candy bars and caffeinated soda. I lost weight. My hair began to fall out. I felt like I was "damaged goods". I was stuck. Not many people knew what was happening. If they did know, they didn't know just how bad I felt. I didn't want to be a "failure" so I did what I was best at, I pretended to be okay.
Even though I felt the way I did, I still felt obligated to try to make things work. We had these kids and had been together for some years. I was willing to accept his other child. I think I did everything in my power to prove that the kids and I were better than any "side-chick" he was with (I can laugh now, but that was a sad way of thinking). My efforts were unsuccessful. We argued more. He spent many nights and holidays away from us. Those arguments justified his leaving and staying gone.
I'm sure by now you're judging me 😏. To be honest, I judged myself too. I could have left. I could have filed for child support. We could've worked out visitation, right? Remember I told you he had another child? I found out the mother didn't want her son around me. Unfortunately for her, he had indeed been around me quite a bit. This child told me that it was a secret he and his dad had. Believe it or not, their dad tried that same foolishness with my baby boy. I was livid! I couldn't fathom the idea of my child(ren) being told they couldn't tell me something. I had seen too many episodes of police shows where children were told to keep secrets. In my mind this was setting the stage for something like that to happen. I didn't know how the court system worked. I didn't want someone telling me what they thought would be best for my children. I couldn't imagine being told I didn't need to know where my children were. As silly as it may sound I put my needs and wants to the side and I stayed because I wanted to protect my babies and I was just afraid.
It's Time to Move On
At one point I tried to move. I asked him if he would help me. By this time I thought we were mature enough to not involve the courts. His exact words to me were, "I don't need to pay you to babysit my kids." After all of the years of sacrifice he looked at me as a babysitter?! A babysitter? He didn't even respect me enough to call me his baby mama! That hurt!! I parented with little to no input from him, and that was how he viewed me. It was time to make some changes.
The choices I made were to benefit my
children, but I often wonder how those decisions
affect them. I am apologetic for the
things they have seen and heard. I am
hopeful that through my transparency
they understand why I chose the path that I did.
The point of this is not to tell all of my business 👀, or bad-talk this guy. He had his nice moments, but I knew we shouldn't have been together.
I hope my messes are messages that can help someone. I was told and believed I needed to "just deal with it" until he was ready to change. I believed no other man would want me because I had three children. I believed the broken relationship was MY responsibility to fix. I allowed the lies and voices of fear, pride, and embarrassment to take me on a long and dark journey. I don't regret the decisions I've made, but I want to keep someone else from making them.
I've met too many young women that are, or have been in similar situations. The days of "don't tell what goes on behind closed doors" should be over. It has taken a LOT of courage to share what I've been through, but God didn't intend for me to keep it to myself. HE gave me this water to walk on,
and that's what I'm doing.
*October is National Depression Awareness and Health Screening Month. If you or someone you know needs help contact
National Alliance on Mental Illness NAMI https://nami.org/help
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