I found myself, once again, not knowing what I wanted to talk about with you. A few topics came to mind: mom guilt; being lonely with children; expectations and inconsistency; my cup spilleth over and now it's empty; creating the life I want to live...too much. That's when it came to me, I have too much on my mind.
This happens when I have been so selfless that I have become selfish. What do I mean by that? I have been focusing on the wrong things and have given so much of myself to others that I have not saved anything for me. You may be thinking that statement is selfish, but what good am I to anyone if I'm not good?
I'm learning that being selfish isn't always about lacking consideration of others and/or only being focused on oneself. For me it's also about paying attention to the qualities and uniqueness that make me who I am. If I'm constantly busy mommying, friending, listening, giving, teaching, and all the other -ings I do, I begin to lose sight of who I am. That's not good for me or those that need me.
When that is happening I'm going through what I call "too-much-on-my-mind-itis". That's when I have to stop. I stop talking on the phone. I stop watching tv. I quiet the noise as much as possible. I also take inventory of my life: who/what matters, what is necessary vs what can wait, what is resting vs being lazy, what boundaries have I allowed to be crossed..?
I know it's time to do this when all the voices, thoughts, and ideas begin clashing together in my mind, and I feel like I need to wash my brain on a scrub board and hang it to dry. This may sound weird, but at least now I recognize when I need to reset.
Before recognizing the signs of too-much-on-my-mind-itis I used to just go and go and go until I was exhausted! I missed out on so much doing that. While I can't make up for lost time, I can certainly choose how I want to use the time, resources, and life I have left. I basically just get busy minding my own business.
It's not always easy to do this, because life continues to happen. Keeping the "itis" at bay is a constant battle. I can't always take time to quiet everything, so I've had to find other ways to stay sane and focused. Writing allows me to do that. The words aren't always nice, but it's better than keeping it all bottled in. My cousin told me to do this years ago, before she passed. She said there was so much power in journaling. She also told me it was okay to be selfish. It took me years to understand what she meant.
I chose to share this with you today because it's okay to pause for yourself. It's okay to say, "No, I don't want to. " It's okay to be selfish sometimes. If you aren't taking care of you, then how will you be able to care for others? This is a question I have had to ask myself over and over again. I am a giver by nature, but if I'm not giving Moneece some love, none of that matters. I encourage you to take the time to be a little selfish. I believe that's the only way we will be able to continue walking on our water successfully.
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