I was mostly raised by my grandma, my aunts assisted and my mom was around (I can't forget about my granddaddy and uncle). While I know they all loved me, I often had questions about their love for me.
Before I divulge anymore information, I would like to say my mom didn't abandon me. And I am GRATEFUL for my grandma! With that being said, not being raised by my mom led me to question if I was worthy of love. My little mind wondered, "How could anyone else love me if my mom didn't choose to be my mom?" For a VERY long time I wondered if my grandma felt obligated to take care of me. I KNOW she loved me, but I don't think it was her "goal" to raise me (I'm so thankful she did). And so those thoughts seemed to become my destiny.
As I got older and formed other relationships, it became apparent that I was not worthy of love. Harsh words were spoken to me. Mean actions were taken against me. I was teased for being too nice. I was teased for being too quiet. I was teased for wanting to be "a part of the group". No matter where I turned I just couldn't catch a break. But, those people always told me they loved me. To make matters worse, at some point during all of this I found out my birth certificate page was 666 (I can laugh now, but that was devastating). I just knew my life was set up for failure.
For about 34 years I dealt with the feeling that I just was not worthy of love. People really didn't hold back when it came to their actions towards me, or what they thought about me. I used to ask God for forgiveness for whatever I did to deserve that type of treatment. I'm not perfect, and never pretended to be, but some of the things that have been done and said to me made me think I was an awful person.
2021 was a whole life changing year for me. Reflecting on EVERYTHING I had gone through changed me for the better. What I realized was I wasn't being loved the way I needed to be loved. No one could do that for me, but me! That required me to learn my value. That required me to walk away from relationships. That required me to set boundaries.
I decided to share this part of my life with you all because there are so many people who feel like they aren't worthy of love. Guess what? You are!! It is unfortunate that we don't all get the love we need from other people, but start with loving yourself. I don't know what that looks like for you, but take the time to get to know you.
What does loving me look like going forward? It means choosing to be in relationships with people who understand what I need. Choosing to be in relationships with people who are willing to love me the way I need them to. I don't want to feel like an obligation. I want to be a first choice. It also means being thankful to my mom and grandma. I love them dearly!! If it weren't for those two, I wouldn't be walking on this water.
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