It's Okay to Not Be Okay

As I look forward to celebrating another birthday I can't help but reflect on where I was this time last year. I didn't imagine my life to be the way it was. I was about to turn 40. I didn't have a reliable car. The house I was living in was being sold. I wasn't happy with the path I had taken in relationships. I was not in the place I thought I should've been in at this age and stage in my life.

I remember calling my cousin on August 1st, because I was so upset over my lawn mower smoking. I just broke down crying. From that point on I cried for the entire month of August. I cried from the time I woke up until I went to sleep. I cried if I was happy. I cried because I didn't know why I was crying. I would wake up in the middle of the night and cry. I just cried.

I could not figure out what was going on with me. I knew I wasn't pregnant. I was excited about turning 40 (getting older is a blessing in my eyes), so that wasn't it. Even with everything that was going on I didn't think it warranted me crying for 31 days.

As the days went on and the tears continued to fall, I started fasting and praying. I needed to know what was happening. Was I having a mental breakdown? Suffering from depression? Is this what a midlife crisis felt like? Some days I would sit in the car and ugly face cry, bent over on the steering wheel, and pray. During one of those prayer meetings I realized that I was being purged.

For as far back as I can remember I have always wanted to make people happy. In doing that I became a people pleaser. By becoming a people pleaser I lost sight of who I was. I had done this for years with family, friends, co-workers, acquaintances, and other relationships. I altered who I was to make other people feel comfortable being around me. But, at this point I had gone over and beyond people pleasing. I had exhausted myself by giving to so many people throughout the years that I had nothing left to give me.

I was crying because I allowed myself to be used, mistreated, and talked down to. I cried because of failed relationships. I cried because I didn't think I had given enough of myself to my children. I cried because I made myself last all of the time. I cried because I felt rejected by people who I thought should've loved me. I cried because I thought I wasted years being in a state (mentally, emotionally, and physically) that I never really wanted to be in in the first place. I cried because I didn't always choose to stand up for myself. I cried because I felt obligated to people who didn't invest in my needs. These were tears of anger, hurt, disappointment, and fear. These were emotions I had held in for so long.

Prior to August I had a discussion with a friend. I said something that he thought was a little odd. His reply was, "You do little quirky things to function around people." I laughed about it then, I can still laugh about it now, but he was so right! He saw something in me that no one had ever noticed. If they did, it wasn't mentioned. He saw something that I thought I was doing well. I appreciate him for that because that comment later prompted me to seek therapy (my therapist is amazing). Never did I ever think I would be in therapy, let alone share that I am with anyone.

Before this crying spell I was hospitalized for a medical emergency as a result of the stress I was putting on my body. I now know just because I could carry the load it didn't mean it wasn't heavy.

Since last August I have forgiven the people who I allowed to hurt me and I forgave myself. In forgiving I have also let go of relationships, hurtful words that had been spoken to me, painful memories, and negative seeds that I allowed to take root and prosper within me. I have refused to allow those things to have control over me. August of 2021 was a confusing, scary, and difficult time, but it was also one of the best things that ever happened to me. I don't have to alter the core of who I am to benefit others.

It has taken me years to get to this point. I am still in the process of healing, but no longer bitter. I have spent this past year on a journey of self-discovery and being better. Earlier I mentioned feeling like I wasted years, but I have no regrets! I am thankful and grateful for every experience I have gone through. Those relationships helped me become the woman that I am today. Let me tell you, it feels so good to be ME!!

It is my hope that by sharing a portion of my life's journey that the stigma around seeking mental help is decreased, especially in the black community. We don't have to continue hurting. Furthermore, I hope this glimpse into my life will inspire you to walk on your own water.