"You have three children, a man may find that intimidating. Your options are few."
"You been with him all these years. Y'all just need to gone head and get married."
"Don't be in such a rush to be with a man. You should just wait until the kids are older and out the house."
"Stop saying he's not the man for you. Speak life into that relationship. You two were meant for each other."
So let me get this straight... Having children decreased my "value" as a woman, meaning I would have to either settle in love or be single. According to "them", staying longer than I should have equated to a life sentence with someone who was not nice to me. I needed to pray for a relationship that wasn't good. And since I didn't want to be in this particular relationship, I needed to wait until my children were almost married before I should think about dating again.
Say what now??? 🤔
I'm not going to lie, those comments made me wonder:
"Am I being selfish? My focus SHOULD be on raising my babies. I'll have time to mingle once they're older."
"Is a man really looking for a 'ready made family'? What does he think my expectations of him would be when it comes to the kids? Would he expect me to have more children if he doesn't have any? Is he afraid of 'baby daddy drama'? "
"Their father and I have spent some years being involved with each other. Should I bring up a conversation about trying to make things work? "
"We were young when we started out. Maybe I haven't been as forgiving as I should have. Maybe he really deserves another chance."
It was enough to drive me crazy. 😵💫 It was too much to think about. I didn't trust my own judgement. One thing was for sure, I didn't want to hurt anymore.
Around the age of 34 I decided I was calling it quits on sex, dating, loving and being loved by a man. I had fought a good fight and it was time to gracefully bow out.
I stopped praying for marriage, and would get irritated if anyone said they were praying for me to meet "Mr. Right". If the Lord wanted me to have a husband HE knew where I was and would send him to me, or vice versa. Essentially, I had placed myself in an invisible and unbreakable bubble.
Now don't get me wrong, I wanted the company of a man, but not how you may be thinking.
If I was invited to a wedding, a dinner party, or wanted to go to a concert then I would sometimes wish I knew a nice gentleman to escort me. I didn't want anything serious or permanent though. My friends would ask if I was dating, or interested in being with someone. I would often respond with, "I think I just need to have a guy on standby to do things with. I don't want to have sex. I don't want to be touched. I don't want anyone in my bed. I don't want to date, I just want to go out for a couple of hours." I was not going to be hurt again, and I was not coming out of the bubble!!
For almost six years that was my mindset. I invested my time in raising my children and protecting myself. I remained celibate. I accepted that marriage wasn't in the plan for me. I figured once the kids were on their own, I would learn how to cook for one and live my best days in a tiny house.
I had a plan. It may not have been a great one, but it was a plan. More importantly, my heart was safe, and I liked it that way. But life has a way of throwing curve balls. After ONE unexpected conversation my whole outlook changed!! I wanted to love and be loved, deeply!
My mind went into questions overload:
"Umm...where did this come from? I thought I was over it."
"Is it too late for me to see what this is all about?"
"Could a 'Mr Someone Special 'really want to be with me, and my kids?"
"Am I really thinking about sharing my bed?"
"Why now after all of this time?"
What was happening to me? What were these feelings? What about my tiny house?! What did this mean? I needed answers!! I had to pray about this thang because it was on me S T R O N G ! !
It seemed the more I prayed, the stronger this feeling of wanting and needing love became. Why was this happening? I didn't want to feel it, but I liked it!!
I believe this was God's way of saying, "My plans aren't your plans." The idea to not love and live the rest of my days as a single woman came out of fear of rejection. I thought I was protecting myself, but the six year single journey was the first step of rediscovering who I was. For so long I tried to be someone I wasn't in order to please others.
I didn't want my 'Mr. Someone Special' to pay for their mistakes . I knew I had a "petty spirit" within me and I didn't want him to become a victim. In the previous relationship I would either shut down or try to hurt the other person before they could hurt me. I didn't want to bring that vibe into a new romance. I wanted to be able to communicate effectively and give him my love. If I wanted him to love me, I would have to learn how to receive it. It was time for step two.
I began therapy for mental health, https://www.icanwalkonwater.net/post/it-s-okay-to-not-be-okay but also because I didn't want to mistreat this man. So for the past year I have been unlearning and relearning some things: Patience, I don't always have control, and among other things, how to be vulnerable (YUCK😝!!)
Sidenote: Let me make it clear that I am not repeating history. I'm not altering who I am to be with a man. I am on a journey to be a better version of me for ME! In order to do that I had to recognize my flaws. How dare I expect someone to give me what I can't give them in return.
I have been encouraged to not give up on love. This time around will be better. Stepping out of the bubble has been very scary. I've questioned if meeting my 'Mr. Someone Special' is just a fantasy.
My faith keeps telling me to believe that whoever he is will understand me, and love me genuinely and gently. I don't know when our paths will cross, but I'll be ready for him. Until that beautiful day occurs I will continue to walk on this water.
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