Sooooo, I am not where I thought, or planned to be at this age and stage in my life. I have felt like a failure time and time again because my home situation, my career, my love life, and finances are not doing what I need them to be doing. I have wondered where I went wrong on this journey of my life..."what could I have changed? Did choosing to care for my children really put me in an 'effed' up position for the rest of my life?" While I have had those thoughts, I don't regret any decision when it comes to taking care of my children. I wish I could have been more accessible. I digress.
For the past five years I have tried to find my way out of a maze, but keep running into walls (I'm no victim though). The people I have shared my story with have been as supportive as they know how to be. They have given advice, words of encouragement, and tried to come up with solutions (solutions I already tried, but I know their hearts were in the right place). I will admit I have gotten irritated because sometimes I felt they thought I wasn't trying, or was making excuses as to why I couldn't get out of this situation. I didn't feel heard when I was expressing my frustration. I haven't always wanted the well wishes. In a lot of instances I just wanted someone to understand, not problem solve.
As a result I began keeping a lot to myself. On occasion I have spiraled down a pit of self-doubt, anger, frustration, regret, and loneliness; and that ain't good. For me that feeling of being "stuck" starts creeping in and I don't have the drive to keep moving forward. Then I start feeling even worse because as a (black) woman I am not supposed to have moments of weakness. It just ends up being too much, and I'm completely off of the path I started on.
In the midst of allowing my thoughts and feelings to think and feel, I can't let them control me. I know I am created for better, for more. Knowing THAT doesn't allow me to stay in a dark place. I can't give up...it's just not in me. How do I know it's not in me...I'm breathing. The Lord blessed me to see this day, and that signifies there is more.
If you have continuously run into walls, take a step back. Ask yourself why you keep facing these obstacles. See what small changes you can make to keep moving. The walls I've been running into have been lessons. I'm doing my best to learn from every lesson. By doing that I know I'm getting closer and closer to the finish line. It is irritating that I don't have all that I want at the moment, ooooo but when I get it...IT. WILL. BE. AMAZING!!!
That is why I am sharing this with you. The majority of what we want won't be handed to us. We have to work for it. Life is not always going to be easy, but if we are given the opportunity to open our eyes to a new day, I think we can still get to where we want to be, or at least try. Giving up shouldn't be an option.
Have your moment to cry, vent, journal, whatever safe way to release any frustration you may be experiencing. Afterwards keep moving towards your goal of success. Whatever faith, religion, spirituality gives you strength, hold on to that. Hold on to that dream that wakes you up in the middle of the night. Hold on to that business idea you had as an eight year old. Don't give up on you.
I can't really say I'm walking on my water today. I feel like I'm floating on it, but I'm staying the course and enjoying the view. I hope you continue on your journey as well.
*Anyone who needs suicide or mental health-related crisis support, or who has a loved one in crisis, can connect with a trained counselor by calling, chatting, or texting 988
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